Use Your Words

Teaching communication skills.

Children will blow you away if you just give them the chance. I see so many adults being controlled by children who shout, demand and grunt when they are more than capable of communicating effectively, given the right tools.

I love it when my students and my own children communicate their feelings and are able to explain what they feel and sometimes even why. In times when they are unable to do so, or they forget about their words, I simply explain and remind them what they can do. Sometimes they shout about frustrations, push if someone’s in their way, or grab if they want something - it happens! In those times I deal with the situation by asking them, ‘What could you have done in that situation?’ The answer is normally, ‘Use my words’. I simply suggest that next time they could try using their words, which might stop someone from being sad or upset. This, alongside reminding them consistently about manners and asking kindly and with respect, means that they are able to use their words to communicate in a number of different situations. Nodding when asked a question, or not looking at the person who is talking to you are just a few things I pull them up on. I remind them, ‘Hey my love, try using your words’, or ‘Hey, it's really great to look at the person who is talking to you because it shows them you are listening or interested in what they are saying’.

Children can often demand an interaction, or your attention. Saying ‘excuse me’ when they want to talk to you is a really important thing for children to learn. They need to know that you value what they have to say and become aware that it's important for them to know they can't just demand your attention and shout their needs. It's good for them to know and learn that other people's words are important too. The whole thing has to be about equipping them to communicate their feelings and needs, which is a key life skill that a lot of adults struggle with. It's OK to take control and tell your child to stop their behaviour. It’s OK to tell them that it's not OK to speak in a certain way, as long as you do it calmly, in love, and explain why you're stopping them. Remember to ask them what they could do differently for you to be able to help them in the future.

I now use this same technique with my teens – a gentle reminder during outbursts of feelings, or when they tell me what’s happening (rather than asking), or when they forget to communicate when their plans change. I use moments of reflection to say, ‘Let’s try that again’, ‘How could you have said that differently?’ and ‘Can you see how that impacted us all?’ We need to expect children and young people to mess up and make mistakes with this, as we do, and guide them gently.

Your child should know that you have the authority but that you love them, that you are for them and that you want to help them and stay connected. It's then that you have the ability to be a great influence in their life and help them to make good choices. This isn’t about control and power but about them feeling held by a consistent and supportive adult. I always encourage them to 'use their words' with my words and start any timeout or discipline with 'I love you' and end it saying, ‘My job is to love you and keep you safe’.

Key tips:

-If your child is crying or moaning, explain that you want to listen and help but they need to stop crying first. We count to 3 slowly and calmly give them time to stop.
-Use the phrase ‘Try to use your words’. You may need to help them at the start.
- Try to avoid letting them use the words 'I want' or 'now'. We encourage 'Please can I have’ or ‘I would like’.
-Try getting them to use their words in responses too. ‘Yes please/no thank’ you rather than a nod or shake of the head.
-Don't stop your interactions with someone else because they are telling you too. Try stopping and saying, ‘I would love to talk to you but I'm talking\listening to someone else right now’. If you need to speak to me, you need to say excuse me and wait for me to answer you’.

-Make sure you always reward them for using their words, with your words. Be encouraging. I use the phrase ‘I noticed’ to celebrate these communication successes e.g. ‘I noticed you asked so nicely when you needed that’ or ‘I noticed that you did such a good job telling us what you needed’.